"This is a murder investigation."

Let me start by saying that I don't watch a lot of TV. I will admit, though, that I am a fan of a few cop shows. I have my favorites, and they're my favorites for different reasons. I take them all with a grain of salt, and realize that they are for entertainment and not necessarily accurate portrayals of real police work.

NCIS is one I like. I watch mostly reruns because I can find them on at almost any time, but I'm not up to date with current season stuff. I like NCIS because of the characters. They are all so different, but they mesh so well. The Geek, McGee, is just endearing. Ziva is one tough chick, with a soft side too, though she doesn't show it often. Tony is . . . well . . . Tony. Abby is just a freakin' genius. But I don't believe for a minute that there is any one forensics expert that is an expert in fingerprints, and ballistics, and DNA, AND computer forensics, AND . . . you get the point. And is there anyone cooler or smoother than Gibbs? Anywhere? And when, out of the blue, he flashes that smile, well, he is human after all.

I watch CSI from time to time, also reruns. I mostly watch the original, set in Las Vegas, and some of the Miami version. But that's one show that it's hard for me not to nit-pick. Perhaps I just don't have accurate information, but I'm not buying that crime scene investigators all carry guns and make arrests. They certainly don't where I live. And do they really interview suspects? That's what the cops are for. My favorite CSI character is Grissom. A loner, very different from everyone else, but not at all ashamed or embarrassed by it. Then there's Horatio on CSI Miami. Puh-leez. What kind of a lunatic would always wear a jacket, and wear all black at that, in the heat of Miami? And never sweat? And every show ends the same - Horatio is alone with his thoughts, looking ever so concerned and humble, and we are supposed to be touched to the heart by it all. Puke.

My favorite thing to hate, though, about all the CSI shows (and probably some other cop shows, but this one in particular), is how they are the be-all-and-end-all of important people on a mission and everyone better do what they say and give them what they want because "this is a homicide investigation."

CSI: "Doctor, We're going to need her medical records."

Trauma Room Doctor: "You know I can't give you those. They're confidential."

CSI: "Look, this is a homicide investigation. That woman is dead, so I think the need for confidentiality is moot."

Or . . .

CSI: "The cook said he saw you and the dead guy arguing during the lunch rush."

Waitress: "Oh no, we never argued. We got along real well."

CSI: "Let me make something clear for you. This is a homicide investigation. If you're lying to me, even a little bit, I'm going to come down on you like a load of bricks."

OR . . .

CSI: "We're gonna need to talk to your employees."

Drive-In Manager: (groans) "Oh, come on, please. Is that really necessary?"

CSI: "It's a homicide investigation. We could just call the health inspector and see how many code violations he has festering in that concession stand."

Drive-In Manager: "Geez, fine, knock yourselves out."

Sometimes I miss a few seconds of the show because my eyeballs have rolled so far into the back of my head that it takes a second for them to roll back around again. And yet I keep watching. So tell me, who's the lunatic now?