Monday, June 29, 2009

Confessions, Apologies, etc.

I have been unsettled today. I'm not sure why; it could be because I didn't sleep well last night. It took me much longer than usual to get to sleep, and then I tossed and turned pretty much all night long.

But whatever the reason, something is gnawing at me. The little voice in the back of my head -- the one that I can barely hear, and certainly can't make out all the words -- started early this morning.

Sometimes the little voice is fearful, sometimes it's worrisome. Today it's guilty and apologetic. So I must get these feelings out there and release them. I hope they are read, or heard, or felt, or in some way transmitted to whomever needs to hear them.

I am sorry that I don't call you on the telephone more often just to visit and stay caught up with what's going on in your life. I do care about you, and I want to support you when you're down and celebrate with you when things are great. I just really dislike talking on the phone.

I am sorry if I turned and walked the other way when I saw you from a distance and didn't feel like chatting. I should have made a point to wave you down and tell you how wonderful it was to run into you. Sometimes I just don't feel like talking.

I am sorry that I'm already trying to figure out how to get out of going to that funeral. She hasn't even passed yet! And already I'm worried about having to go and see people that I haven't seen or talked to in years.

I am sorry that I'm not affectionate towards you every day. You come up behind me and wrap your arms around me and rest your chin on my shoulder every so often, and I just continue with what I'm doing instead of turning around and hugging you back.

I am sorry that I haven't sent you the package that I owe you. There is no excuse for it. I let several days pass and didn't do it, and then one more day passed, and then another week passed, and now it sits here and I feel horrible because I know that you'll never get it.

I am sorry that I am so selfish -- with my time, with my words, with my affection.

It is almost the beginning of a new month. I try to set an intention at the beginning of each month (as opposed to only at the beginning of the new year). And I think this is a perfect starting point for July. I have a lot to work on. This is going to be tough!

With much love,


  1. baby steps steps...
    and don't be so hard on yourself... we've all, at one point or another done all that you've listed above... happy thoughts :)

  2. How do you feel after writing that post? Any clarity? Journaling is a brilliant way to clear out those brain boogers. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  3. Mari and Muse -- I do feel better. In fact a very interesting thing happened not five minutes after I hit "publish this post." i'm going to add a little "update" column in my side bar today.

    and thanks very much for the reassurances. xoxoxo, j.

  4. Oh, Janet...we all feel like that sometimes. You are no alone! Please don't be so hard on yourself... We're our own worst critics sometimes, aren't we. But do you feel better for having written this down. Have you found the other side of your feelings yet? Hope that guilt is slowly turning toward peace of mind. :o)

  5. The above comments are not only true that we have all felt like that, but here's a couple more for you which I am willing to share:

    "I'm sorry I've wondered what your head would look like on the end of a stick." "And I'm sorry I've wondered if I could get away with that or would I have to cop an insanity plea?"

    I hear you, and I am so there at times. But it _always_ lifts, remember. The wound is seen to and cleaned and gets well and we get up and go on our way, merry or not. We're all we have and sometimes, that is just the ticket.
    Excellent post and brave.

    You take care of you!
    Candace in Athens.

  6. Tracy - I do feel better! Thanks!

    Candace - LMAO! I'll vouch that you're a loon at your hearing! Thanks!

  7. Janet - Very courageous of you, to say 'outloud' the things you (we all) think. Isn't it nice to know you're not alone in how you feel about some things. Welcome to the family!

    Candace - If you need another voice at your hearing, I'm in!


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